Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
yeah 😭
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Best seat on the street 😍
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff