Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
OH. COME. ON.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine