Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.