Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.