graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
