graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
You Might Also Like
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead