graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!