Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week