Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.