Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

How to wake up a Beagle

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.