Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Never forget.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.