Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.