Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
he’ll never suspect a thing
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
How about daylight saves us for once
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
