Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
You Might Also Like
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat