Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Hotels are back
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.