grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I stand by it
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Kermit goes Blue.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”