Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.