grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
1 minute of washing machine time is equivalent to at least 24 hours of human time. They exist on a completely different scale. The machine said 2 minutes left 3 days ago, give me back my clothes you ba*****d.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position