grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.