Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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smh
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?