Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
According to math, I’m broke
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.