Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again