Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Breaking news:
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
yes… yes…
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous