Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Covid like
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.