Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
honey, bring out the fine china.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing