Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Saw online –
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
life finds a way
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall