Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric