Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
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My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The pasta is now
