Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You Might Also Like
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid