Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
