Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.