Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.