Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

(grounding my kid) go outside.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

ㅤ

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’