Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀