Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

#NoRestForTheWicked

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.