Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.