Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.