“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.