“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.