“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.