“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
This is true.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware