“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit