Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Is this you?

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

felt that

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Saturday

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA