Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac