Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

A dad and his duck

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.