Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me before I type out affect or effect
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme