Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress