Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.