Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
when you don’t want to be too vague
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit