You Might Also Like
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
there’s probably a fee though
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread