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Thereâs a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isnât it?
Not saying itâs hot, but Iâm slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Of course my days are numbered..
Thatâs how calendars work.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
âYeah, well your dog isnât a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows youâre vaccinatedâ â how a kid talks shit in 2015
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: Iâm a top chef. You?
ME: Iâm an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: whatâs an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u wonât bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Motherâs Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports teamâs logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. iâd be upset
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ME: *so high Iâm screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I wonât be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
âYour tattoos will look dumb when youâre olderâ buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshitâŚwasâŚreading.
âDoctor, Iâm afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.â
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Stop saying â11/11/11â only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. Thatâs how time works.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
âLetâs do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad diedâ ~ Really personal trainer
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didnât catch on like they had hoped
My band is so indie we donât even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.