God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*