@AwardsDarwin

Great ad placement for a funeral director.

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@mejustbeth

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

@MyPornKhan

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

@Marlebean

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

@caperbc75

“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman

@AthenasOlive

I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?