Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
Okay me first
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Guantanamo Bae
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?