Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

meanwhile over on facebook

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast