@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

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@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

@david8hughes

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

@WheelTod

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@ThaJawn

Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it

@Darlainky

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.