I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.