Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I identify as an antique shop.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.