Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Actually cracking up @ this
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.