Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

I hate my earbuds.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.