Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food