Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch