Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
How to walk around a museum
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
We’ve come full circle
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
