Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

🤣🤣

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap