Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?