Great Canadian literature.
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids