Great Canadian literature.
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Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people