“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
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Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.