GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
bros in the example zone 😭
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I have never related to a cat more
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
