GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
