Great game to play with friends
You Might Also Like
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Wikigenius
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky