Great game to play with friends
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Krampus.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
You’re not my real can
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
