Great game to play with friends
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.