Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.