Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.