Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.