Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited