Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.