Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

😅🤣😂

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags: