Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Home is where your toilet is.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT