“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]