“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol