“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*