Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Fixed this for Shakespeare
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat