Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
plums roundup
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Not all heroes wear capes…
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
The biggest mystery of our time
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
