“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭