“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
the icebreaker
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?