“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
it be like that
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.