“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago