“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!