great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.