Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Truly one of the great bangers

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money